My Children, My World

It was ten o'clock on the evening of June 19 as I lay in contractions on a sort of torture device that the hospital referred to as a bed. The pain was just bearable, but I was scared. This was my first child and she was coming early. I was trying so hard to follow the instruction to "push". It seemed to accomplish nothing. I had come to the hospital only after careful deliberation with my mother on the phone 300 miles away whether I was in fact, in labour. I decided to go and there I was, terrified of the next step. I had bonded with the life inside my belly, squirming and turning while I read to her, sang to her and caressed her to the best of my ability. Up to this moment she was just an idea, a potential being. I had grown accustomed to the relationship in this manner. This new development indicated a change in that relationship and I was panic stricken over the question of my ability to adjust. People have kids and work and strive to better the lives of each generation. This was normal, right? I would soon find out that just because we do things that are deemed "normal" does not mean it's the right thing to do for us.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

Creatively, I have drawn a similarity to the prophecies in the Book of Revelations which eludes to four horsemen as being the face of the day of judgment. For all of those who may put stock into Christian beliefs, please look at the connection of the current climate of civilization and the apocalyptic notion. There have been several interpretations of the prophecies, as is common practice for varying groups. In an attempt to bridge the gap between vague, divine ideas and modern day conditions, I have made the following connections, as there is no doubt that the Bible is a most powerful book.
There are four immediate threats to civilization, no small declaration, which require immediate global awareness. I am not an authority on such things and you need not be either to gain important insights. I am a humble sheep in the flock that is being herded onto the truck headed for for the slaughter house, just as you are, but I have noticed a warning from the corner of my eye and I attempt to draw the attention of the multitudes of sheep running up the ramp and into the truck. Don't go into the truck! Notice the beautiful green field just beside it!
As I listened to the words of a group of very learned men I was surprised and filled with great anticipation to realize

Life is a journey, not a destination

We all seem to live with a goal in mind. Some are big goals, some are little goals, whichever drives you I know you will have to admit that there is always a destination in sight. "When I'm older I will do things my way and life will be great, when I graduate high school I will have the freedom to pursue what I choose and life will be great, when I get that ideal job, life will be great, when the kids are more independent, life will be great, if I could just get that promotion, life will be great, When I retire, we can travel and do whatever and life will be great". Sound familiar? We all think that once we accomplish the next goal we will have arrived. We seem to move this way continually throughout our lives, never learning that we never get there. Every accomplishment seems to attach itself to a new destination.

We're All Doomed

I'm sure every generation has faced the sense that they would be the final generation to exist on earth. There has always been the end looming through the history of time. The end has always been nigh. I remember the dark sense of my environment during the time of the Vietnam war, radiating from those of my parent's generation. I remember having a sense that Nixon was the face of the end. These senses filled me with the dark, cold panic of nothingness, as if soon nothing would be left but the low, pounding vibrations of my deserted heart in a cold mist that kept me from breath...and the fear was born. The same messages still reach my ears. 2012 will be the last year for us... Again the end is nigh.
So what of it? Mankind can usually find a way to plod along on this earth through every generation that thinks it's the last, so I wont so easily be sold on the end this time, but what if it is? If you think about it... It really is.

Schoolyard Bullies, More of them Are Coming From the Staff Room

My daughter began her school career in 1994 at a particular school. She was shy and reserved, never having such social experience by way of daycare and being partially emotionally crippled with the family anxiety gene as mentioned several times throughout this blog. She was quickly labeled as weird by the other kids, suffered alone, clutching the wall at recess. This social atmosphere was brand new to her and she just took it at face value. School was a cold hard place. She could never reach out to ask for help, because she just accepted that this was the school experience, she didn't know it could be any better, she had nothing with which to compare.

She adopted a withdraw attitude and bad work habits as is typical with anxiety sufferers which is when the obvious disdain and frustration of her educators kicked in.

The Corporation and Capitalism

Did you know....

Now, I never ventured to express an opinion on systems that seemed, to me, too complex, but with most of the world in financial crisis, I felt a drive to know how it happened. Could I find a way in this crisis to ensure that my family not suffer too harshly in the events that are sure to come?

We live with anxiety disorders: A little family with a big problem

It is our greatest hope to slip just beneath the radar, without more than regular attention, to stay secure in our safety zone. Somehow, that is impossible. People sense this and cannot leave well enough alone. They have a need to drag us into their world or to try to figure out our motives. Many people are drawn to it like flies to dung, desperate to slap a label on us so they can sleep at night.

Navigating Through the Subconscious Mind

Is what you believe deep down the truth or a lie? Is the key to worldly knowledge handed out to only a select group?

This much we know about the functions of the subconscious mind, It does not discern between right and wrong, good and bad, true and false. It will accept as fact that which is deposited and it will store it as truth. The beliefs it uses to guide you through life are the facts with which have been deposited accompanied by the power of emotion and repetition. When you are repeatedly told that you are stupid, it makes you feel charged with emotion and it sinks into your subconscious mind until it becomes a paradigm you hold. Similarly, if you hear repeatedly that you are beautiful, you again become charged with emotion and this too sinks into your subconscious mind until it becomes a paradigm. It doesn't matter that one statement charges you with negative emotion and the other charges you with positive emotion. The subconscious mind is only concerned with data, not justice.

Who the heck am I?

I remember the first time a mentor advised me to just be myself. I was a teen at the time and that was the most foreign statement I could have imagined. Who is me? What would being myself look like? All I had to go on was feedback from outside sources. Sometimes I would hear comments like "you're funny" or "you're bitchy" or worst of all "you're weird". Which was it? Perhaps it was a combination, maybe sometimes I was funny, sometimes I was bitchy and sometimes I was weird. I looked at my parents and siblings and thought maybe I'm just like one of them. That would make sense.

Never Judge a Book by it's Cover

Everyone, everywhere has something... mathematical genius, visual or literary creativity or even heightened levels of awareness. Whether or not these abilities are discovered and nurtured to fruition delicately rests upon multiple, fluctuating variables. Unfortunately, timing is everything. What time period one enters life, which parents are charged with one's upbringing, financial support, level of exposure of said abilities, location and culture lived in, the list of variables is bound to be as long as the list of possible extraordinary talents.

Defiant or Anxious? I am silent no more!

Generations of my family have been faced with problematic accusations of defiance, apathy, shyness and substandard achievements, but now that these burdens have been passed on to my children I have become motivated to educate anyone who will condescend to read my pros.

To Kill or Not To Kill, That is... a question

There is ongoing debates whether we as a society should be handing down death sentences. Both morally and economically, we wrestle with implications. The death sentence is as old as dirt itself. Many innocent as well a guilty criminals have been put to death over time.

Addictions: Not just substance abuse

Have you ever wondered why you seem happier than most of the people you know, or sadder, madder, more afraid? We all have emotion addictions. It's pretty much impossible not to when you think about it. If a child is spoon fed an addictive substance every day of its' life, it is going to end up addicted to that substance. Emotions are highly addictive.

Diary of a Psychopath

Hi, my name is Dave and I am a psychopath. I enjoy winning battles and personal success. When it comes to getting ahead in business or personally, I will do whatever it takes to get me there. I'm not terribly concerned with the feelings of others if they stand between myself and my goals. I have learned to appear to function as a conscientious member of society through the good teachings of my family, but altruism does not drive me. I am, as a result, very charming and have learned the art of happy manners, but I have a hidden agenda. I enjoy being the life of the party and people are drawn to me.

A snap shot in the life of a tortured child (An excerpt from the book "Diana's Beauty")

I was thinking of my sister as my eyes suddenly opened wide on the crisp scenery of my familiar surroundings. I’d been walking this route for years. Every fence, every rock, every crack in the side walk that promised to break my mother’s back was etched into my memory like the image of my own face. In this instant it was just as familiar, but in a different place, it seemed. It was as if the entirety of my world

A night at the movies

During a rare and overdue outing with a girlfriend at a local movie theatre, I was pondering the idea that a movie was not the best choice for two girlfriends to accomplish any “catching up”. Since it is frowned upon to talk during movies and with the kids waiting for us at home, our conversation could not be lavish tonight. Oh well, that is what the social networks are there for. Tonight would be about clearing our minds of the mundane stresses

Drama, Victim and Spite: A Story of Three Friends

Meet Drama, Victim and Spite, three long time friends on life's dark path. Drama cannot live without the illusions of rejection, victory, fame, isolation and all of the other high profile emotions. She needs to surround herself with the variables most likely to provide the appropriate levels of such renowned emotions. These variables could be anything,