Generations of my family have been faced with problematic accusations of defiance, apathy, shyness and substandard achievements, but now that these burdens have been passed on to my children I have become motivated to educate anyone who will condescend to read my pros.
It is my hope that my children are not driven to the types of isolation in which some of their ancestors completed their lives. I pause to be thankful that no substance abuse has resulted in my lineage. Though no one can know with any certainty the meaning of life, I feel quite sure that is not to suffer as many discomforts as humanly possible. And so, in a quest to help my children survive and enjoy a positive quality of life and because I just barely survived myself, I have become a bit of an authority on anxiety disorders. Perhaps some cases of anorexia, addictions and teen suicides that are likely ahead can be averted. I didn't eat, could have become addicted to tranquilizers if I wasn't so afraid to and prayed for death while my close friend took his own life. The teen years are wrought with havoc and confusion, to hope to survive them independently with an anxiety disorder is nearly impossible.
In junior years you might see signs of the "fight, flight or freeze" strategies. That is to say fighting on the playground or endlessly arguing a topic with an adult. Your child may suddenly, and seemingly for no reason, with a sense of desperation ask "Mom, can we go home now? Let's go home now". You may get reports that your child sits and stares instead of engaging in some assignments. They will all react with one of those responses when the anxiety hits. It is important that you don't listen to the judgment of anyone not qualified to give those judgments because anxiety is not visible and suffers do not walk around in a constant state of panic. They are, however, very fearful of the next attack. And so, they may appear odd to their peers and others. They are developing behaviors and emotions that will help them feel safe. They may interupt groups, wander off alone, try to be the class clown and maybe even cry at the slightest provocation. The possibilities are as numerous as the suffers.
One of the consequences of being an anxiety sufferer is a type of perfectionism. You may see your child"s desperation to be the best at something or everything, or the most liked and respected. Quite often, they cannot accomplish this and so will purposely fail. They will do the worst work in the class or become the most loathed. I tried out for volleyball...once. I put effort into an English assignment ...once. If the feedback isn't positive there likely wont be another attempt. You may be surprised to find that the cleanest house in the neighbourhood is that of an anxiety sufferer, but so will the messiest. The heads of companies may be suffers and so may be the homeless. If you know anything about perfectionism, this will be clear to you.
On the note of perfect or not at all, let's look at the extremist in the anxiety sufferer. Have you heard any of these comments? "That teacher gave me heck last year. She hates me." or "I can't win at this game, I am useless and a waste of skin." or "People hurt animals, therefore, I hate all people." There is no grey area quite often with sufferers. It takes great patience and effort to learn to accept the grey area. This may be caused by the anxiety it causes all humans to hold two conflicting ideas. The sufferer hasn't learned to manipulate the ideas so they may coexist...probably because they are already so consumed with finding safe havens from the attacks.
You may notice unstable behaviors more during a change. Change threatens the safety of anxiety sufferers. The seasons change, the teachers change, homes may change, mom's hairdo may change, feel free to add anything to this list because it may all contribute to upsets and you may witness flight, fight , or freeze again. Not every change, just the ones that the child feels. Change is death. A sudden need to evacuate any emptiable system may accompany an attack. Lack of appetite and nausea are also common, hence the anorexia reference.
Anxious kids tend to be very analytical. They wonder about the universe, national disasters and so many "what ifs". I say they seem to carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. I really think that childhood anxiety should be renamed the Atlas Syndrome, after the Greek Titan. It would much more reflect the nature of the disorder. No child should be asked to stand in Atlas's shoes. What a crime that these kids have had to claw their way blindly into whichever comfort zone they can find to protect themselves. It is impossible to express or understand these attacks at such an early developmental stage. Don't ever wonder why your child never told you about this. He cannot. He is at the mercy of chance, that he is fortunate enough to cross the path of one who recognizes an anxious moment at the time that it occurs. Not the greatest odds.
I shudder to think of how it would be to be a sufferer in an old fashion "spare the rod" household. Well, every time I do actually, I see my dad. Now he hides in his garage, alone, every evening with his old faithful chair, so sure he is the most hated man on earth, after a backbreaking day at the factory job that became his safe haven more than forty years ago. Way over retirement age, we could not drag him from that place for shear fear he would drop dead...and he would opt for the "fight" response. His brother died alone, with no friends or family, in his shack in the woods. His sister gave in and died of anorexia on her living room floor after the kids had grown and left her. They were the victims of the Atlas Syndrome that fell between the cracks. Don't let it happen to your baby.
See post below: A snap shot in the life of a tortured child (An excerpt from the book "Diana's Beauty")
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